


Knight in Tacky Armor

by SandrC



Series: Balance My Deeds With My Misdeeds [24]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gaslighting, Gen, Mentions of past Taazed, Sazed is a dick, Taako Tuesday, To the fandom as a whole, also I have some Things To Say, classic McElroy shenanigans, hints at an abusive relationship, implied!current Taakitz, lying, not on a tuesday, post-Wonderland spoilers, put down the torches and pitchforks, sorry y'all this one was late af, the rating is for some sex talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 11:07:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9546014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SandrC/pseuds/SandrC
Summary: The pretty lie, the ugly truth.CW: gaslighting, manipulation, mentions of abuse





	

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I'm just gonna go ahead and bite the bullet here: I have some Serious Feelings about the topic of Sazed and the Discourse (yes with a capital D) surrounding him and his relationship with Taako. Most of it has less to do with Sazed as a concept or character but how the fandom handles any opinions or fanwork that dissents from the fanon collective.
> 
> I, personally, believe that whatever Sazed was to Taako—lover, coworker, just some dude—their relationship was toxic. You don't try to kill someone that you actually really truly like. You just don't fucking do it. And yes, Glamour Springs was not a victimless crime, and yes, most of the blame falls on Sazed's shoulders for the arsenic, but I maintain that Taako is to blame as well. However, I am NOT saying that he deserved whatever it is that Sazed did to him—Glamour Springs included. I'm just saying that Taako is not a good person (Justin McElroy — 2017).
> 
> That being said, you do not have the RIGHT, nor should you EVER send someone hate mail over something they wrote. I understand if it's canonically unhealthy (rape/pedophillia/incest/&ct) but when it is unconfirmed fanon, harassing someone over their beliefs about a fictional character or setting is fucking DISGUSTING, ABHORRENT, and INEXCUSABLE.
> 
> What brought this on, Sandr? You might ask. Why are you so adamant about this?
> 
> I read a fic where Sazed was not in the wrong (or at least was I painted in a more sympathetic light) and almost all of the reviews were anonymous "Pad post OP" over and over again. What weren't, were people yelling at this author and tearing into them for having a different view of things. Then the story was gone. Deleted. Idk about the author.
> 
> It hurt me. When someone writes, even if it's fanfiction, it's personal and revealing. What you're seeing is a small part of the author and if you come, torches and pitchforks at the ready, you're killing them as well. I wanted to tell that author that, while I don't agree, no one has the right to do that. No one has the right to tell you that you are wrong with no explanation or reason. If the dissenters had given a canon reference for abuse (which I have seen and understand some of Sazed's actions as gaslighting) then I would be more at ease but someone constantly trying to tell someone else that they're wrong and disgusting for thinking X thing is, in my opinion, deplorable.
> 
> You really don't have the right.
> 
> ...
> 
> Okay, now that my tirade's over, here's the deal with this: a non on tumblr asked for Merle or Magnus verbally or physically attacking Sazed. Here you go. I don't like the idea of White Knighting for Taako, nor do I like the idea of Taako straight up murdering the dude (imo he would, but it would require some devious planning and/or suffering) but this is my take on things.
> 
> And anonymous commenting is disabled because if you wanna say shit to me, have the fortitude to log in so we can debate. I'm a calm person most of the time, and willing to listen to your side. Just, if you don't mind, keep it civil?
> 
> Thanks for your time and for checking this shitshow out.
> 
> (Betaed by the lovely [leafduds](https://twitter.com/wthequius) who put up with me complaining at them about Discourse shit and patiently explaining their views. Thanks dude!)

Merle, Magnus, and Taako laughed heartily as they walked through the streets of Scion. Today was the end of a good day planetside—not a mission, per se, just a vacay—and they had just finished fucking around in a pub for a few hours playing craps and poker. Merle had won a lot at craps (ironically) and lost it all betting on direhound races (par for the course). Magnus got his ass kicked at poker but walked away even. Taako didn't bet. He wasn't no fool and fuck if his poker face sucked. Plus he was having too much fun making the bartender blush. The poor gnome didn't know what to do with themself.

As they rounded a street corner, inebriated and giggly, Taako caught sight of a stout man cleaning a table inside a small café. He stiffened, entire body going rigid, his pupils contracting sharply, and his breath caught in his chest. His chest constricted and he could hear his heartbeat.

Magnus and Merle paused, sensing something wrong with their companion. "Hey, Taako, you okay?" Merle asked as Magnus traced his line of sight to the man in the café.

"I...I...I just realized that I left my keys in the bar. _Brb_!" He turned and fled, his Manta Ray cloak flapping behind him. Merle looked up at Magnus, who gestured to the man in the café.

"Shall we?" He asked.

"Is it _really_ any of our business?"

"Has that stopped us before?"

Merle gave him a look askance and raised an eyebrow. "Not really? I mean, this _is_ Taako we're talking about, but like, fuck it man? Whatever I say, you're gonna rush in anyway."

" _Fuck_  yeah, I am, but I haven't seen Taako this spooked since the whole Chalice steez. I don't really know if it's our place to meddle in the affairs of wizards." Magnus shrugged and gestured to the café window and the man who had moved to another table.

"Yeah but, given the opportunity, wouldn't Taako meddle in our affairs?"

Magnus thought that one over. "I guess? I don't know really. Who knows what pettiness lies in the heart of elves?"

They mulled over their thoughts for a bit before their curiosity far outweighed their common sense. Not like they had much to begin with; between the two of them they had enough common sense to buy a pack of gum from Fantasy Sheetz. Steeling themselves, they walked into the café and smiled apologetically at the man.

"Sorry guys, we're closing up. Sun sets and the unsavories come out so the doors are closing. Unless you want to order a quick bottle brew you're SOL. My _sincerest_ apologies." Magnus and Merle had never thought they would ever encounter someone with more of a reedy voice than Taako but here he was, a stout tiefling man who spoke at a pitch that floated three lines above the bar.

"Oh, sorry, guy. We're _actually_ , kinda, _not_ here for food or drink or anything..." The tiefling frowned.

"We actually had some questions for you. _A_ question, really. About someone we know." Merle intervened, trying to diffuse the situation in the way that only a dad can.

" _Oh_?" The tiefling leaned against the table he had been cleaning and raised an eyebrow. "Well shoot then."

"Do you...that is...per _haps_ you...," Magnus stumbled and fumbled for the right way to put it.

"D'you know someone named Taako?" Merle finally grew tired with Magnus' waffling and just fucking went for it.

The tiefling stiffened—not unlike how Taako had upon seeing him—and gaped at the two of them. Then he smiled, the expression creeping across his face but not touching his eyes. Not that they really were looking him in the eyes; regardless of the steps made in race relations, tieflings were still scary as fuck. Abyssal blood will do that. Especially to the eyes. " _Oh~_ ," he purred, " _well_ then. Is _that_ what you needed to know?"

"Yeah," Magnus shrugged.

"Well let me just finish up closing and I'll be right out and we can chat. You can take the table by the door." He waved them away, gesturing to the table he wanted them to take. Merle sat down first and then Magnus followed, propping Railsplitter against his chair, just in case. They quietly watched the man count the register, take the drawer back to somewhere, and then come out and sit down with them.

"So," Magnus said.

" _So_?" Merle asked.

"Taako is... _well_ , first off, I need to know what _you_ know about Taako. So I can see where we all are," the tiefling added, clasping his hands back together. He gesticulated a lot with his hands, making small gestures and movements to mirror his words.

" _Ah_ , well," Magnus had deferred to Merle for this. He was better at twisting and turning the truth to suit him. It was in his nature as a dad. And a cleric. And in general. "Taako is our...wizard. We work for an... _organization_ and the three of us happened to be together when they were scouting for hires."

"Mercenaries, huh?" The man steepled his fingers gently and grinned. His teeth were sharp and something about him seemed off; not just his abyssal heritage either. "New digs for a new elf, I suppose. Continue," he gestured lazily with one hand, the other curled under his chin.

Merle eyed the tiefling as he continued, letting his expression remain placid and calm. "So what we've gotten out of him so far is that he came from New Elfington, was an Acolyte of Oghma, and then us."

" _New Elfington?!_ " The tiefling tittered, his hand flying up to cover his face. "At least I know he hasn't changed that much in all those years."

"What's so funny?" Magnus asked, his eyebrows pinching together in confusion.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I must apologize for that. You see," the man inhaled sharply as he centered himself, "Taako is a liar and a thief." When they didn't seem all that bothered by this revelation, the man continued. "He likes to paint himself with this veneer of grandeur and, as such, lies about where he's from and where he's been are as common as flies on shit. When I met him, he told me he was an heir to a small bank in Goldcliff that was on the run from thugs. He couldn't defend himself for shit but he knew a bit of magic, just not enough to keep himself alive in a fight." The man waved idly as he reminisced. "When we started up his show, I learned that the troupe he had been with before were under the impression that A: he was a _girl_ and B: that ' _she_ ' was an orphan from Riverwald." He smiled and sighed contentedly. Merle prickled at the air of pretension that rolled off him. He didn't like this man,  _especially_ not if he was deriving pleasure from outing someone's secrets. "Every time we went somewhere new I learned more and more about Taako and his stories. He is very fond of stepping above his station and then pulling the rug out from under his betters' feet."

" _Huh_?" Magnus exhaled in confusion.

The tiefling smiled—his eyes crinkled but the mirth that hid inside them was more malice than joviality—and nodded. "Taako, from what I've gathered—and mind you, this is probably hearsay as well—was born the child of a farming couple just outside of Vestin. His parents died and he was orphaned. He lived with drug addicts and prostitutes and learned how to steal and lie and flirt his way into anything he could ever want. It was _never enough_." The man shifted slightly and gestured with his hand, gently waving it in the air as if conducting some sort of imaginary orchestra for the soap opera that was Taako's 'life'. "He learned how to cook by stealing skills from the cooks he roomed with. He joined troupes to escape his problems and used his stolen skills to pay his way. He took gold and knowledge and love from the troupe and left when things went to shit. Sometimes he left death in his wake, sometimes just resentment. One troupe, he learned transmutation magic from the bard. He used it to spice up his food and when the bard accused him of using her, he split faster than an ochre jelly slashed. Then he found me and pitched a job that I couldn't refuse."

Merle disliked this man more than he ever thought possible but he kept his face neutral and blank. He was good at lying to people so it came natural as telling a dying man that it wouldn't hurt. Smile, lock away the blackness encroaching in, nod, laugh. A mask for a puppet.

Magnus was fighting the urge to cleft the fucker in twain. _Lethally_ , this time. Not like with poor Barbara. He stayed his hand far away from Railsplitter, fingers twitching anxiously. His missing pinkie ached with resentment. He fucking _hated_ this man.

"'A show,' he said, 'where I cook and do magic and dupe some suckers into paying us for food that they could get at a local bar for cheaper. _Smoke and mirrors baby!_ ' He flashed me a big grin. 'We can pack some meat on those bones, and you and I can make it big as TV stars.'" The man smirked. "' _Saz_ ,' he said after the first show, 'I can't _believe_ it worked! People ate my food and _liked_ it! _Look at all this gold!_ We're gonna be living _easy breezy_ from now on Sazed; you and I got it _made_.'" The man, Sazed, leaned back and sighed, something that was not pity playing across his mouth. "You can only imagine how well that went."

"How?" Merle tried to keep his voice from betraying his inner turmoil but it cracked and pitched anyway.

Sazed leaned forward and flashed a mouthful of sharp fangs. " _Death_."

(Magnus remembered a dog he tried to befriend once. It was stocky and well-fed, mouth dripping with blood and meat. He hadn't seen what it was eating—he didn't really want to, to be honest—but when he reached forward, hand outstretched as he sat on his knees at eye-level, it made the same expression Sazed wore. 'Stay away,' it warned, 'or I'll bite.' It wasn't fear, like the dog had been abused before, but anger and possessiveness and a sense of entitlement that drove that dog to make that face. He didn't like it then and he didn't like it now.)

"It was a _long_ time coming, really. Wherever Taako went, things were lost. Money, skill, recipes, _lives_ ; it was second nature to him, taking without giving back. Shitty thing for a transmutation wizard to do. Not like conjuration; not like making something from nothing. Transmutation is all about the give and take. Equivalent exchange. You cannot get what you do not offer." He shrugged gently— _nothing_ about this man was gentle—and sighed. "It was a thirty clove garlic chicken with an elderberry garnish. Except instead of _elderberries_ , Taako garnished it with _nightshade berries_. Forty people died that night and Taako fled. I haven't seen him since." Sazed sat back in his chair, finally done with his 'tale' and gave a self-satisfied smirk. "I tried to make do but, I'm not much of a TV personality. More of a homebody than anything else." He tittered and Merle's skin crawled. That was the sound of a man who thought he had pulled the wool over someone's eyes. Only a liar could recognize that sound. Only a liar would notice his tells.

(The twitching of his tail. His eyes gazing left. Licking his lips. The way he played with the ring on his finger. Obvious when looking but innocuous otherwise.)

" _That's_ —!" Magnus began, standing up and shoving his chair backwards.

"—a _lot_ to take in," Merle interrupted, shooting Magnus a Look.

"I know," Sazed mock-sighed and flung a hand against his forehead. "So much _death_. So much _destruction_. _All_ for fame and fortune. And only for him to end up the wizard of a merc band." He tapped his fingers together thoughtfully, "ironic considering he never liked mercenaries to begin with. _Ah well,_ " he shrugged, "whatever it takes I suppose. 'Tis the Taako way."

"Well I _can_ say one thing," Merle's words were metered, syncopated enough to sound casual but slow enough for him to think it out, "we are certainly _enlightened_ by this encounter. Thanks for the heads-up."

"Not a problem! I just don't want you to lose more than you _already have._ " He gestured to Merle's eye and arm and Magnus' pinkie and scars. Magnus held back a growl.

"Well we really must be going. Places to be, people to punch, and so on. You know how it is."

Sazed nodded sympathetically, "yeah. I do. Give Taako a kiss from me, okay? Even after all this, _I still miss him._ "

The malice behind that innocuous statement bit deep into their bones. That wasn't a well-wishing. That was a threat.

Magnus rushed in.

His fist made contact with Sazed's face, toppling the stout tiefling and sending him skidding across the cobblestones. As Sazed looked up, confused, Magnus towered over him, teeth gritted, the perfect image of a man possessed.

"N-now what was _that_ for? I don't think I've done anything to warrant that kind of treatment!" Sazed stammered as Magnus hauled him up by his collar.

"Listen here you little _shit_ ," Magnus hissed through his teeth, "because I'm only gonna say this once. Taako is a _fucking_ good person and a _great_ wizard and what you did to him was _fucked. Up_. Those _weren't_ your stories to tell and they weren't yours to _twist_ either. _We know what you did at Glamour Springs._ "

His eyes widened as blood dribbled down his forehead and into his eyebrows. "Glamour Springs?" He squeaked.

"A bottle of arsenic intended to kill the man who refused you. Except he _didn't_ taste the food so only the crowd died. Forty people, because he told you _no_." Merle, despite his short stature and stout nature, managed to look intimidating as well. He held Smoosher in his hands, the head of the warhammer smacking gently against his palm. "I don't need Zone of Truth to know that you're a goddamn manipulative _piece of shit._ I've dealt with your kind before."

"H- _how_ —"

"And to be honest, I'd like to fucking just end your goddamn life _right here and now_ but that's not my place. You're not _my_ problem, you're _Taako's_. It's not my right to take his revenge from him." Sazed relaxed slightly in Magnus' grip. "But _know this_ : Taako is _more_ than capable of dusting your ass before you could say 'Sizzle it Up with Taako'. That dude has eldritch spells hidden up his sleeves and the wherewithal to use them. He's got spell slots for days. And I have a feeling he'd _love_ to just fucking tear you to pieces, _so consider yourself lucky._ "

"And, as an added bonus for being _such_ a good host," Merle added as Magnus lowered the quivering man to the ground again, "Taako doesn't _bring_ death where he goes. He's _dating_ him. And I'm _sure_ that the bounty hunter for the Raven Queen would just _love_ to get his skeletal fingers on your soul. So rest easy now, because when you die, all that awaits people like you is the Eternal Stockades. The rest of eternity in a pit of suffering and pain. _And you deserve it_."

Magnus shoved Sazed away from him, knocking him against the wall. Then he turned to Merle and snagged Railsplitter in one swift turn. " _Fuck it_. Let's bounce."

"You'll be sorry!" Sazed called after them, his voice weak but pushing forward a venom that they had only heard in Lydia and Edward. "All that waits you is death and misery!"

Merle turned back to face him and his face contorted. A lesser man would have called it a smile but it was full of vitriol and pain. "Boy, we already've danced that dance. _There ain't shit you can do that would scare us anymore_." And then they began their search for Taako.

* * *

 

He was hiding in a back alley, knees pulled to his chest, hiccuping softly. Tears were smearing down his face and snot dribbled from his nose. His glamour was gone, leaving the plain Taako that had emerged from Wonderland, the one that was just left of who he really was, the one who was _less_ that who he was. The umbra staff sat across his knees and his hat was being wrung between his hands. He was broken. He was tired.

_He was such a fuckup._

The Chalice had brought back those shit memories when it tempted him, showing him the truth to Sazed's treachery. He had gone so long without thinking about him and his fucking shitty smile and his fucking _shitty_ laugh and his _fucking shitty_ compliments. Ruined because some fucking magic cup decided that, _hey_ , let's play 'fuck with Taako and his goddamn emotions!' And he had dealt.

The knowledge that it wasn't his fault was a relief and a new burden all in one. Suddenly the admiration and adoration he had harbored for Sazed—poor Sazed whose life _he_ ruined—had rotted in his chest. Love turned to hate and admiration turned to abhorrence. If he _ever_ saw him again, he would send him to planes that contained the system's most mind-breaking horrors. He would _kill_ him. That's what he promised himself.

_And then..._

He choked. He had his chance. There Sazed was, running a business and riding the coattails of 'Sizzle it Up', and he just...locked up.

Because, while he looked at Sazed, he saw the deaths of forty people and arsenic and blood and running, but he also saw smiles and shared contact and chaste kisses and not so chaste kisses. He saw all the pain that had been inflicted on him and he saw all the joy. He saw the happiest part of his life, both in flames and whole, and _he couldn't do it._

Whatever plans he had for revenge turned into a mantra of 'r _un away and never come back because they'll hate you forever when they know what you've done!_ ' Taako's good out here. He fled. Like the fucking _coward_ he was.

But they found him, curled up like he did when he was younger, when the older kids would come for him and the militia encouraged them to kick the shit out of him. And their faces...he was afraid to look at them. What did they think of him now? They must hate him.

"We don't hate you, Taako." Merle's voice was low and soft, a patient, fatherly tone that Taako wasn't used to hearing.

"I- _I—_!" He sobbed. _God_ , he was pathetic. Fucking _useless_. _Waste of space_. A _killer_ and a _liar_ and a _thief_.

"He's a _shit_ , Taako. _Fuck it_. Forget about him." Magnus this time. Not fatherly, like Merle, but the same patient tone he had taken in Wonderland when he was deciding about his beauty. Understanding. Caring.

(He didn't deserve it.)

These were foreign emotions still, despite how long he had been with them. They squirmed underneath his skin and he wanted desperately to be a dragonborn so he could shed it and be something new.

(That wasn't how it worked but he wanted it to work that way.)

"Wh-what did – did he tell you?" He sniffled and wiped a sleeve across his eyes. All it did was stain his sleeves darker with his tears.

"Lies," Magnus affirmed.

" _And_ truths," Merle added. "Mixed together. It's hard to parse the bullshit but there was as much honesty in what he said as falsehood. As a _professional_ liar," Merle winked, earning a soft chuckle from Taako, despite himself, "I can affirm that _he_ at least believed what 'truth' there was."

"But that's _his_ truth," Magnus interjected, "not yours. And _definitely_ not the actual truth. The one with a capital T."

"B-b-b—"

"Taako, we don't think lesser of you. We've all done our fair share of fucked up shit." Merle gestured about to the whole of them. " _We're_ fucked up shit. There isn't _anything_ short of selling us out that would make us hate you."

Magnus knelt down and placed his hand gently on Taako's shoulder, "We kicked the shit out of Wonderland together. If you don't think we're sticking like glue to you after that, you're more dumb than you play." He huffed, a small snort of laughter that rustled the choppy tufts of hair that Taako now had—silken locks long gone to Wonderland's bullshit. "If it makes you feel any better, we _didn't_ kill him." Taako looked up at them, eyes watery.

"Not our backstory, not out bad guy." Merle extends his soulwood arm to help Taako to his feet.

"You...you didn't...not even _Kravitz_?" Taako took Merle's hand and, much to Taako's confusion, the dwarf hauled him to his feet again.

" _Shiiiet_ , Taako. We're snoops, not snitches," Merle huffs in mock anger. Magnus fails to bite back a giggle.

"I _did_ punch him though. Only _once_ ," Magnus added, an embarrassed smile pulling his crows feet, "and I didn't use Phantom Fist either. Just...ka- _pow_! Right in his smug fucking face. Knocked him clean to the wall."

"Wish I could've seen that," Taako grumbles through a sneaking grin. "I woulda liked to stomp on him while he was down."

"Well we can always go back and you can cast him in a tent porn. Uncredited," Merle waggled his eyebrows and Taako snorted.

"Fuck! _Ew_! _No_!" He waved his hat around and then placed it firmly on his head, covering his cowlick. "If I'm gonna get Sazed, I want it to be _slow_ and _suffering_. I want him to fucking _beg_ me to kill him." Then he shrugged, hooking the umbra staff on his wrist and tilting his nose up to its normal Taako-y angle. "But first I want him to stew in it. And then, when the world is saved, _then_ I'm gonna kick his ass with every spell slot I have and then spit in his grave. _Only then_ will I be avenged!"

Merle and Magnus shared a Look and shook their heads in tandem. "Alright spitfire, let's get you back to your bony beau so you can cast him in a tent porn and relieve some of the stress."

"Just cast Silence this time, _please_ ," Magnus begged. The other two boys let out a peal of laughter. " _What?!_ " Magnus squeaked, "I could hear y'all, and no amount of Pringles' dank concoctions would erase _them_ sounds from my mind."

"Well I wish you _could_ cast Silence from time to time," Taako retorted, "cause if I have to hear you beating it one more time at two am, I will fucking lose _all_ of my shit and do a graceful pirouette _off_ the fucking handle."

Merle howled with laughter as Magnus turned a beet red. " _Fuck you old man!_ " He whipped a finger at the cleric, who looked mildly shocked. "If I find _one_ more suspiciously wet vegetable in the fridge I will fucking _shove_ it up your ass _myself_! You don't _fuck_ the food and then _put it back_ you dillweed!"

Now Merle blushed but, between the three of them, they were actually _happy_ for the first time in a long while. It felt nice.

(And fuck anyone who tried to ruin that.)

**Author's Note:**

> Like this work? Wanna prompt one like this? Then head on down to [my Twitter](http://twitter.com/ArrowAceP) or [my Tumblr](http://thesleepiestsheepy.tumblr.com) and drop me a line.
> 
> Don't be afraid to come off anon! I don't bite :3c


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